I tried the best I could considering the situation, and besides I am only human. I moved to this town five years ago a lost soul looking for the place I could fit in and blend slipping under the radar, but like Grandma use to tell me, "You will always find like minded people, you just need to except who you are and your role in the world".
I kept to myself for a long time and worked around making my life quiet and simple. I just wanted to blend in and stay hidden in the shadows, but you can only live like that for so long before you draw attention to yourself and others get curious. I moved out to the middle of nowhere to be left alone, but a great thing never lasts for long because you start to listen and learn about others around you, then you start to give a fuck and that's when it all falls apart.
I was doing awesome when it was just me, myself and I, but then I let a couple of people inside my head. I started to feel for the cook at work who was at least fifteen years older then me with a young child. It started out with him losing his truck and having to get himself to work and seven year old daughter to school everyday. He did it like a soldier for three months before I decided to give him my 1991 Nissan Altima for free leaving me with a scooter to get around town on.
Next was the little homeless girl that came into the restaurant I worked at every morning around four and ordering a cup of coffee to keep her out of the cold for a few hours. She was quiet and never made a fuss, she was my easiest customer of the night. Her name was Nicole and I hooked her up with coffee or whatever from time to time to easy her pain just a little.
I found myself friends with the biggest drug dealer of town and felt bad for him and all he lived with everyday. We would talk for hours on end about our childhood and how we dreamed of better things to come, but they always fell short for us for some reason. We both had short comings in life and things we wish we could change, we both also chased the answers we were searching all our lives. We became close friends and business partners till prison separated us for a while.
I did a full circle for a short time after prison finding myself friends with guards and therapist who helped me see how my past affected my present, but never telling me the answers to my future. I lived a straight life for many years before realizing that there really is no answers to the meaning of life and that I should just do what I want to do till death finds me.
You know I thought I was living wrong and doing wrong to end up in prison, but then I realized that life isn't black and white. Life has grey areas and that just happens to be the place I live my life. I cannot be totally good or bad. I am me and I am human, I feel what everyone in the world feels, I just don't always agree with what we have been taught.
Now I live in the shadows trying to never let anyone see the real me. I keep quiet and my head down. I listen and watch so I can learn, but somehow I let to many in this time and I have to fix my mistakes.
I have been clean and sober for going on six years, but yet I am still six months away from my freedom. I have six more months of jumping through the hoops the system makes you go through before they release you from parole. Being on parole has changed me from the person I was and who I am today. Before parole I was a regular pothead who stayed away from most everything else only dabbling from time to time in the unknown, but now I am a total alcoholic and occasional fuck up.
In my younger years I experimented with plenty, but not enough to make me an expert in nothing really. I dropped acid back in the day, did my stint with Meth and still till today swallow a couple of caps or stems from time to time, but I keep my nose clean. I say this now with head held high and a slight quiver in my throat, "I am scared of the police". now lets get one thing straight fuck the police (kind of) I get the big picture but where there is good there is also evil hiding in the shadows, right.
How do you judge another human for being human? A cop who is addicted, a sober ex-con and a homeless girl. A rich boss and society all against you from the beginning and a stage to take a nose dive. What do you do?
