I Promise

                I love you Baby with all my heart and soul. I know in my heart, in my mind and in my gut that you are my soul mate. Not everyone finds theirs and I know that what I feel for you and what we have is true. We are Soul mates. We were meant to meet and fall in love. I don't want to live a life without you in it. You mean everything to me and I love the wonderful person I see. You are why I work so hard. You are why I want so much more out of my life. You are what my children love and who they want to share our lives with. You are brilliant, sexy, funny, a total nerd, a realist, a romantic, a great lover, a teacher and my best friend. I LOVE YOU... I promise this will work because I am dedicated to us and our Family.

To weak still

When it doesn't hurt so much I will walk away. All the signs are there and he has made it perfectly clear with his actions that he is not in love with me anymore. I will tomorrow is a new day. I get a lil stronger everyday. I just miss us.

I love you still...

 

I thought everyone deserves a second chance, I guess everyone except me.

The tears keep pouring.

I am so hurt and all I want is my Family, my Life back and better. 

Why can't we fix this or at least try??? Why does it have to be this way? Why do I keep doing things to reach out to you and getting shitted on?  I call and no response. I keep holding on and you keep pushing away.

I know I should just leave him a lone and forget about all of this by moving on with my life, but I love him so much. I want to try. I want to have my Family back.... OMG THIS HURTS SO BAD. I pray to GOD every night to help me, to lighten his heart and listen to me. WHY!!!! Every time I look at my computer I think of him. Every where I turn inside our house I think of him. I hate this so much. I AM SOOOOO SORRY. PLEASE PLEASE. You loved me you said.

 

 

Please lets give it a second chance. No one knows the truth like we do and we want to spend our lives together. We are very strong and we can make it through this if we really want to. Today is a new day.

HAYSTACK THE LONGEST DAY EVER!!!

Today is the big Haystack Concert and my friends who love me are taking me, Love great friends. But the out come is that this is going to be the longest day ever.

 My jacket is Red and even tho this is not my favorite color I love the jacket. 

Red brings out the color of my eyes and it looks good on me.

Yellow is one of my favorite colors and this shirt is about 7 years old and 4 years ago I gave it to my daughter, but I might have to borrow it tonight =)

This is my most Favorite outfit. It has taken the top spot for a few years now. I have yet to find one to top it. I am getting in the shower and then its dress up time...

I will let you know which one wins for tonight.

This is what I went with. I curled my hair, had the most awesome outfit and my makeup was working with me today. 

Now we are just waiting for it to start.

 

CONFUSED STATE

           

 

My head is spinning. I am losing control. This web we weave and we hope others believe. The games we play with our words. Just use your head and look into your heart. Say what you mean and mean what you say. I am being talked into a black pit and I think it is all just a game. I think it is a way to have control or keep control. I hate to tell you I am stronger then that and I am not your puppet.Y...esterday is gone. Today I am healing. Tomorrow you may be left behind. I am moving forward and even at times when it looks like I am falling behind step, if you look really close you will see that I am always progressing. Some just can't keep up and others will live in a world of blame and pain. My eyes are opening and my actions are going to show the progress I am making. When you open your eyes all you will see is my dust. I am smart. I am honest. I am open. I am fragile. I am giving. I am loving and you chose for me not to be yours. Time is healing and love will find me even in the dark.

 

New Pet

My son turned 3 years old in the beginning of December. I am so proud of my children. I love them with all my heart and soul.

Well this year I am a little broke and I cannot do much for my son's Birthday. What is a Mother to do? I did the best I could with what I have to work with.
I love my kids and I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this a great Birthday.

 
First thing we did was Birthday Breakfast!!!! Yummy!!!
We invited my boyfriends Family over for Breakfast.
What didn't we have????
Stuffed Pastries: Sausage and cheese filled pastries that James created and tested out for the first time.
Pancakes: Chocolate Chip with peanut butter chunks and walnuts.
Skillet: Home potatoes, eggs, bacon, cheese and some homemade loving.
Milk, Orange Juice and Coffee to wash it all down with.

Now that my son is stuffed and opened one birthday present I sent him to his Fathers house for the weekend. =(
Our real Party: December 7th.
Homemade Chili and corn bread,all his little friends (well most) and more presents.

We all had a blast and we got to see some old friends we haven't seen lately.
Mom being broke this year did all she could to make this Birthday Special. I topped it all off with his Present...

I know he is a little young for a snake, but it will teach him somethings and he will grow into his Present one day.

I said what the Hell, what little boy wouldn't love to have his own snake.
I hate the damn thing =)

 

December 7,2011 The Big 3rd Birthday Party

MY HOROSCOPE FOR TODAY:

Being around other people stimulates your fantasies today, but an active imagination doesn't mean that you want to share your thoughts. Your daydreams may be quite vivid, but you could feel unsure of yourself as you also remember a prior experience when your plan didn't quite make the grade. You might be a little wobbly as you overcome lost confidence. However, there's no need to act any tougher than you are; leaning on your friends reveals them to be the steady pillars that you need.

My son turned 3 years old this month and I am so proud of him. He is smart, polite, compassionate and as close to perfect as I could get. 

We got him a snake, he doesn't really like her yet, but with time he will.

This scary snake that I have let into my home, the thing that scares the living crap out of me is about to teach my Family a very important lesson.

I hope my son Loved his Birthday!!!

 

Making me sick

Mission accomplished by my ex.

I have been so sick and throwing up for days. I have not been able to eat and barely sleep. I am sick with anger.

When I close my eyes I think about them taking my son from me and it kills me.

I have not been able to stop crying.

And now he as the nerve to tell me he isn't doing this to hurt me, then asked to see his son.

After all this started because he claims I keep his son from him to begin with.

Is this what I am destined for my whole life?

I don't know what I will do if I lose my son. I am driving myself insane and sicker then a dog.

Talk about kicking you when you are down

Talk about kicking me when I am down. I am fighting my old employer's for wrongful termination and now my son's Father wants to take him from me.

I don't know what to do right now. I am doing the best I can with what I have been given to work with. 

I love my children and every single day I wake up and Thank God for them. I do everything I do for them. I stay hands on and be the best Mother I can be for those two beautiful babies that I created.

I am scared and very nervous about this court hearing because this will be my 3rd time walking this path.

The first time a Colorado Judge thought it wise to give full custody of my Daughter to her Father, whom his still currently a drug addict and heavy alcoholic. He took my child from me and then dumped her off as soon as he could. 

The second time I had to take him back to court and fight for my own child back. I won of course and she is way better off with me.

Now I am going through it all again with my son and I am scared. I do not trust the court systems and frankly I do not want to be under anyone's thumb especially the State of Colorado.

Please everyone out there keep your fingers crossed for me and pray for my Family.

I know in my heart that I am the best mom I can be and that my children belong with me.

If Joseph's Father wins he will be tearing my Family and our happy home apart.

My son and Daughter have maybe spent a total of 30 days apart since he was born.

I pray that I do not lose my child and I pray that the courts will not keep me here in this town where I am forced to work 3 jobs to survive or take the chance of Grand Junction, Colorado to show their true colors yet again.

I am depending on God to take care of us and to hear my heart and cries of help.

Joseph and Mary Jane you are all I have left in this world and I live everyday of my life for you two kids. I love you with all my heart and soul.

Mommy will always be here and fight for you forever and ever.

All I am asking for is to get the days I have remaining on this planet with my children. Without them I have nothing and it's like not being able to breath. PLEASE do not take my life, my breath, the only reason I have to live.

What should I do? What do you think about this???

Summary:

    I don’t know what else to say or do in the situation. I do not want this to be a personal attack or a judge of someone’s character, but I suppose it is on a level.
    I feel that I have bent over backwards to try and make this thing work for my son’s sake. I live in reality and know that life happens and that none of us are perfect. I will claim responsibility in my part in this relationship and I admit fully that I have not been completely innocent in how I have handled or approached situations that have come up between myself and Other parties involved.
    I am only writing this today for the fact that I feel I have tried to address matters that I do have a right to have a option about and nothing is being taken serious. I have reached out and asked for help from him, I have tried to voice concerns of violence in his house, I have tried to get a little respect and set up boundaries to better organize my life while working 3 jobs at one time and he was not of any help, nor was it of any of his concern.
    I have asked simply for the following from him:
-- Argue and handle his personal relationship with his live in Girlfriend when the children are not around to witness the actions and reactions during problems in a relationship.
-- I asked of them to stop the move in and out game or end it completely. I asked because at this point the cops had been called for violence inside the home and other party had my 12 year old daughter packing another parties things for her at 2a.m. or so.
-- To respect my time and give me 24 hour advance notice upon wanting to take his son.
-- Have better communication and discuss such things as to when he would drop Joseph back off, or taking our son out of town.
-- I also gave other party $100 out of my food stamp card for the time that Joseph had been in his house during a month, the entire 4 or 5 months that I actually received assistance.
    He has hindered me from getting any assistance for my children because he does not pay child support. I have excepted it and worked 3 jobs at one time to support us after getting cut off for food stamps because I “made” to much. I have given and given as much as I can. I have tried to make this work and benefit all parties, but mainly the Children.

I try to lead by example:

Good Ethics:

Do no harm to the Earth, she is your mother.
Being is more important than having.
Never promote yourself at another’s expense.
Hold life sacred; treat it with reverence.
Allow each person the dignity of his or her labour.
Open your home to the wayfarer.
Be ready to receive your deepest dreams, sometimes they are the speech of     unblighted conscience.
Always make restitutions to the ones you have harmed.
Never think less of yourself than you are.
Never think that you are more than another.

Life Happens When You Aren't Looking

 R.I.P

Hooka

We all will miss you so much.

You were a huge part of our Family.

I will never forget you Pretty Girl.

 January 2010-November 2011 

 This is Hooka the day I brought her home

 She was mine. 

 I miss her so much.
She was taken way before her time.
She will always be remembered and Loved... 

Finally Done!!!

            Let's recap for a minute. I started a project last week because I was tired of looking at my Daughters pathetic door sign.

This is what it use to look like:

I put tons of love and time into thinking this out and setting it all up.

  Supplies Used:

Mom's big heart 

Imagination

Computer

Plain Paper

12 pack of Coke boxes

Glue

Construction Paper

Tape

Poster Board

Foam Pieces for Backing

Toothpicks 

Chop Sticks

Yarn

Took like 5 days and lots of fun times spent with my daughter...

 

Wanted to to something different and tried the 3-D look

I think she likes it. I think it is cool. I will say this "No one else has one like this one."

 

 

Stay out of my ROOM!!!

     I have 2 kids and a huge house to hold all of us comfortably, but because I work graveyards and my 2 year old wont sleep completely through the night, him and my 12 year old share a room.
    My 12 year old feels like she has no private space and she is at that transitioning stage in life that she needs her own. Well I try my best to get my 2 year old out of there and into his own room.
     My daughter spends lots of time in her bedroom weather she is playing on her computer or reading her latest great book, she stays in there soaking up every second that her little brother is not tugging on her coat tails. So this is what I see throughout my day...

    Well I hope everyone focus' on the white blur. lol... Alright I know horrible picture hold on here is a better one...

    This is my daughter's first signs of rebellion and needing her own space by herself, but my poor child has no creative bone in her body or she is just simply put 'Lazy'.
     I can not handle looking at it anymore and so I am setting out to start a project and try to spend some quality time with my kids.

    I am sitting in the middle of my living room floor and tons of ideas flowing right now, this could be dangerous for me and for my daughter.
    Well it has begun and now I have set out to create the coolest portable 'Stay Out of my ROOM' sign for her to hang on her door. And I think it will be a surprise, I am not going to tell her till she sees it for the first time hanging on her bedroom door.
     I remember when I was young and we tried to hang the most offensive posters up and all the fights with my Grandparents. My daughter has this single piece of lined paper and chicken scratch all over it, I feel bad for her.

     Elbows deep and my little nice jester has now become me setting out to make the best Keep Out sign any 12 year old has ever seen. 
    Tonight is my Monday back at work and the graveyard shift screw me up and they get me all backwards, so it is going to take me a couple of days. My goal is done by the time she gets home from school Friday afternoon.
    Wish me luck.....      Lots and Lots of Luck and Prayers...

  

I CAN BE A BITCH

To show my natural bitchy side I am going to tell you a story.

About 3 weeks ago me and my boyfriend were at each others throats constantly, normal stress related problems you deal with everyday.

Well when we made up he wanted to do something nice for me and so he goes out and buys me a bottle of Code which is $80. Fill you in a little deeper I had been out of perfume for a couple of weeks and needed it, but I also can't smell and so do not shop for those types of items for myself or alone.

So anyways he comes home with this expensive, most awesome smelling perfume and gives it to me. A huge smile across his face saying, "Oh yeah this is going to end with me naked tonight!"

Okay, so not total bitch because I do really appreciate the thought and I know what he was intending, but me being me lets my brain do it's own thing.

So silently in my head I am thinking I can't smell so why would I spend $80 on something I will get not pleasure from what so ever.

I love him and I see that he was trying. I love the perfume and I get complements all of the time especially serving tables graveyards during a bar rush when all the drunk girls come in to eat.

I was a wonderful present and I love it, but I don't think that I showed him that I truly love it. I think I hurt his feelings a little bit with my lack of excitement and that was never my plan

Today he saw what me excited is all about and that when you take away the flash and bling that money buys you I like simple things.

I am a writer and spend every second I am not working, sleeping or playing with the kids on my computer.

This time my Baby wanted to get me something special this what I got.

I am so excited and I haunted him like a little kid after seeing their desert before dinner begging over and over again. "Please put it together right PLEASE!"

He got my 2 year old son a new book with 3-D glasses and he was setting it all up for him and here I am come on please please please.

I am so excited and waiting for it to be together so I can play is killing me.

Lets compare... $80...

$35 for a computer desk that I am in love with and am so excited for having. Now I smell great while I am writing away over in my little corner of the living room on my brand new cool ass computer desk.

Thanks Baby I love it!!!

I AM THE DRIVER IN THIS CAR

I try to be proficient in everything that I do. I love to learn and I am a fast learner so after knowing something I try to master it, simplify and delegate my time more usefully.

To be in control and know where you are going in life one must first know themselves. I got the chance to take a long hard look at myself while I was in prison serving on a 6 year D.O.C sentence. I had plenty of time to get to know who I am and figure out if I liked what I saw.
I know I am not perfect and that I am only human, but I can honestly say that I know who I am and that I am happy with what I see.

Know your surroundings. Know what you are facing everyday. There is no reason that people get shocked at what they encounter during their day, when we should know what to expect because people are creatures of habit.
Know your family. Know your bosses and fellow employees. Know the people you encounter everyday at the gas station or bank. Know your customers or clients.
It’s as simple as this. You know the cops will pull you over for speeding. Your boss will fire you for a No Call No Show. You wont get paid if you have no customers. The world will die without any water. Your car wont run without gas. We can not live with no money.

Show people what you expect from them by doing for them. Set the example. Never ask something of someone that you yourself would not do.

Take responsibility for your own actions. We are a world of blamers, it is never our fault it was the guy in front of me, you know the one who just left. Not true, we only have to deal with what we caused or did. Stand up and admit your faults, you would get much more respect and you’d feel better about yourself.

"SOMETIMES IT IS MY FAULT. SOMETIMES IT IS ALL ME."

I control what happens to me and where I end up. The world doesn’t owe me shit, if I want it I have to go get it.

Know one said you have to like me!!!

            

      

I am not a selfish person and I do not know how to change and become a selfish human being, it is just not in me. I am not a Lazy person. I have lost everything in my life once before and I have two kid's livelihoods in my hands so if hard work is all I have to do to keep a life for those children then that seems pretty easy to me. I am a honest person and I would rather someone to hate me because I was being honest and true to myself then like me just because I tell them what they want to here. 

If you have a question just ask me and I will tell you whats up. And yes the whole world knows I am a B**** but at least I am being REAL... I am not perfect... I am ME!

 

Somebody has to say it!!!

            I am surrounded by stupid people. People all around with no common sense, no brains, no concept of what is really going on. Some of these people are just acting stupid in hopes to just coast on through life. Others are simple minded and have no clue where to even go to find the answer let alone figure something out on their own. No matter how you cut that pie it gets draining to have to deal with these people every day of my life.

People in the crosswalk

    We live in a time and age where we are all hurry little worker ants on this planet, always rushing and running late everywhere. Traffic is such a cluster fuck these days on the streets and our human ways of waiting till the last minute to do anything, leaves us hurrying through our days.
   
Now, here is what everyone wishes someone would say...

    Unless you are walking with crutches and a broken leg, if you are over the age of 50, carrying a cane or walking with a walker then you should have the common sense to hurry the fuck up so that others can get where they need be. People want to take their sweet time getting across the street and it pisses me off.

"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscience stupidity."

Stupid things that get under my skin:

       People who do not listen. DO NOT ask me a question if you really didn’t want the answer because you have ignored me as soon as I started to explain this to you.
      
      People who make you wait for a phone call. I am taking your order along with 3 other tables orders and have tables who need my attention as well, but sure I can wait while you answer the call.
 
      People who cannot count. If you cannot figure out basic elementary school math then just hand the cashier your twenty, get your change and get out of the way. Don’t try to figure out what else to hand her to get a even $5.00 back as change.
 
       Annoying pets that shed all over you and never get away from you. I like petting you and I will, but god give me some breathing room. You are all in my space and needy, STOP.
People who let their kids act like fools in public or scream through the grocery stores.

      Lazy people/Rude people/Liars/Thieves
 
     People who use their power to make your life hell everyday. Like your boss at work who rides your ass more then anyones else, or is always looking and waiting for you to make a mistake so he can rub your nose in it like a little puppy who just pissed on the living room floor.
      
       Those Mom’s who use the system. I hate when woman have babies and then live off the system. They don’t pay their bills, they don’t pay for their food and they don’t pay taxes either. The ones who wouldn’t take advantage and would only use it for what it is for, which is temporary assistance not the rest of your life trust fund, get turned down and shown the door.
       
       People that say they can’t find a job. I will tell you what, the job market does suck and the rate of pay for employees is not at par for surviving in the times, but we need a job to make it through life. If you can’t find a job really then come see me I will give you one of my 3 jobs. I found them all to, all by myself.
       
        People who post pictures of themselves all over the place. We all know that you think you are super hot and can have any man.

Idiocy: Something notably stupid or foolish. Usually offensive-Extreme mental retardation.

Smells like Shit

           

        Not just once, I am not lucky enough for that, but twice yesterday I had a real shitty time. If I thought I understood what a shitty day was I was corrected last night.

        My 2 year old son had just left to his Dad's house for the weekend and it was suppose to be a relaxing evening before I had to work my graveyard shift at the Restaurant.

           My 12 year old daughter, my boy friend and myself sat down for a wonderful sushi dinner, which I had been craving for days when shit hit the fan. "Literally".

            The 3 of us eating a peaceful dinner suddenly hear weird noises coming from another room in our house. Mary Jane (my Daughter) giggles like a 12 year old school girl at my expression. The noise was a strange sound and I had to have a silly look on my face. It was a recognizable one too and my mind jumps instantly to something my brother would say in this instance.

          "Violent, foaming butt piss!"

           You know the sound I am talking about. The bubble guts, the rumbling and gurgling inside your stomach. It sounded horrible and I knew right away after hearing the internal volcano about to erupt that I didn't want to really know, I just wanted to finish our yummy dinner without any issues.

          My bathroom threw up everywhere. I had shit on the ceiling, coming up out of every drain and leaking out into the hallway. I will tell you this, we all wrapped up dinner quick after that. What a way to ruin a great meal like sushi.

          About an hour later after going to Walmart to buy cleaning supplies, cleaning up the mess and deciding not to bother our 83 year old landlord till morning I head to bed for a nap before work.

           I sleep for a couple of hours and wake up running a little behind schedule, but I never run to far behind I just have to make up a little ground. I head to the shower to find that we had a instant replay of earlier. Shit was everywhere yet again. OMG!!!

           Feeling a little guilty, but not at all envious of my boyfriends evening activities I head to work. I have a long night at work and can't afford to be late tonight so I kiss everyone good night and leave them to the exact mess we just cleaned up only hours before.

           "I love you guys, see you in the morning, and try to have a great night."

Lol!!!!!!! =)

Alright not funny, but I couldn't resist.

 

Photoslide

Is it possible???

Only those who will risk going too far, can possibly find out how far one can go...

     I feel like I am always pushing and testing myself, trying to see how much I can handle at one time. I am not afraid of this world and I am pretty sure that I can survive whatever life dishes me.

    I have fallen before and I am willing to bet the bank that it will happen again, maybe a few more times before my expiration date. I started from scratch and built an empire, in fact a couple of times in my 31 years. 

   I will not, CANNOT stop striving for better or more for my Family. All I have left in this world are my two beautiful children and I will do whatever it takes to take care of them and try to give them a good life. They have all of my attention and I give them 210% every single day of my life. 

   Life is never easy... Whoever told you it was is full of shit and was most likely just fucking with your mind. Life is hard and challenging. Don't waste your time and energy on trying to predict it either because it will surprise you every time. It is forever changing.

   Life is going to happen regardless if you are ready for it to or not. It does not live by our watches, it will never be on our terms, but we can determine weather today will be a good day or a bad day by how we deal with what Life gives us.

   "I am a great believer in luck, and I find that the harder I work the more I have it."

   "The only place where success comes before work is in the Dictionary."

   "All of the so-called 'secrets of success' will not work unless you do."