Making me sick

Mission accomplished by my ex.

I have been so sick and throwing up for days. I have not been able to eat and barely sleep. I am sick with anger.

When I close my eyes I think about them taking my son from me and it kills me.

I have not been able to stop crying.

And now he as the nerve to tell me he isn't doing this to hurt me, then asked to see his son.

After all this started because he claims I keep his son from him to begin with.

Is this what I am destined for my whole life?

I don't know what I will do if I lose my son. I am driving myself insane and sicker then a dog.

Talk about kicking you when you are down

Talk about kicking me when I am down. I am fighting my old employer's for wrongful termination and now my son's Father wants to take him from me.

I don't know what to do right now. I am doing the best I can with what I have been given to work with. 

I love my children and every single day I wake up and Thank God for them. I do everything I do for them. I stay hands on and be the best Mother I can be for those two beautiful babies that I created.

I am scared and very nervous about this court hearing because this will be my 3rd time walking this path.

The first time a Colorado Judge thought it wise to give full custody of my Daughter to her Father, whom his still currently a drug addict and heavy alcoholic. He took my child from me and then dumped her off as soon as he could. 

The second time I had to take him back to court and fight for my own child back. I won of course and she is way better off with me.

Now I am going through it all again with my son and I am scared. I do not trust the court systems and frankly I do not want to be under anyone's thumb especially the State of Colorado.

Please everyone out there keep your fingers crossed for me and pray for my Family.

I know in my heart that I am the best mom I can be and that my children belong with me.

If Joseph's Father wins he will be tearing my Family and our happy home apart.

My son and Daughter have maybe spent a total of 30 days apart since he was born.

I pray that I do not lose my child and I pray that the courts will not keep me here in this town where I am forced to work 3 jobs to survive or take the chance of Grand Junction, Colorado to show their true colors yet again.

I am depending on God to take care of us and to hear my heart and cries of help.

Joseph and Mary Jane you are all I have left in this world and I live everyday of my life for you two kids. I love you with all my heart and soul.

Mommy will always be here and fight for you forever and ever.

All I am asking for is to get the days I have remaining on this planet with my children. Without them I have nothing and it's like not being able to breath. PLEASE do not take my life, my breath, the only reason I have to live.

What should I do? What do you think about this???

Summary:

    I don’t know what else to say or do in the situation. I do not want this to be a personal attack or a judge of someone’s character, but I suppose it is on a level.
    I feel that I have bent over backwards to try and make this thing work for my son’s sake. I live in reality and know that life happens and that none of us are perfect. I will claim responsibility in my part in this relationship and I admit fully that I have not been completely innocent in how I have handled or approached situations that have come up between myself and Other parties involved.
    I am only writing this today for the fact that I feel I have tried to address matters that I do have a right to have a option about and nothing is being taken serious. I have reached out and asked for help from him, I have tried to voice concerns of violence in his house, I have tried to get a little respect and set up boundaries to better organize my life while working 3 jobs at one time and he was not of any help, nor was it of any of his concern.
    I have asked simply for the following from him:
-- Argue and handle his personal relationship with his live in Girlfriend when the children are not around to witness the actions and reactions during problems in a relationship.
-- I asked of them to stop the move in and out game or end it completely. I asked because at this point the cops had been called for violence inside the home and other party had my 12 year old daughter packing another parties things for her at 2a.m. or so.
-- To respect my time and give me 24 hour advance notice upon wanting to take his son.
-- Have better communication and discuss such things as to when he would drop Joseph back off, or taking our son out of town.
-- I also gave other party $100 out of my food stamp card for the time that Joseph had been in his house during a month, the entire 4 or 5 months that I actually received assistance.
    He has hindered me from getting any assistance for my children because he does not pay child support. I have excepted it and worked 3 jobs at one time to support us after getting cut off for food stamps because I “made” to much. I have given and given as much as I can. I have tried to make this work and benefit all parties, but mainly the Children.

I try to lead by example:

Good Ethics:

Do no harm to the Earth, she is your mother.
Being is more important than having.
Never promote yourself at another’s expense.
Hold life sacred; treat it with reverence.
Allow each person the dignity of his or her labour.
Open your home to the wayfarer.
Be ready to receive your deepest dreams, sometimes they are the speech of     unblighted conscience.
Always make restitutions to the ones you have harmed.
Never think less of yourself than you are.
Never think that you are more than another.

Life Happens When You Aren't Looking

 R.I.P

Hooka

We all will miss you so much.

You were a huge part of our Family.

I will never forget you Pretty Girl.

 January 2010-November 2011 

 This is Hooka the day I brought her home

 She was mine. 

 I miss her so much.
She was taken way before her time.
She will always be remembered and Loved...