Smells like Shit

           

        Not just once, I am not lucky enough for that, but twice yesterday I had a real shitty time. If I thought I understood what a shitty day was I was corrected last night.

        My 2 year old son had just left to his Dad's house for the weekend and it was suppose to be a relaxing evening before I had to work my graveyard shift at the Restaurant.

           My 12 year old daughter, my boy friend and myself sat down for a wonderful sushi dinner, which I had been craving for days when shit hit the fan. "Literally".

            The 3 of us eating a peaceful dinner suddenly hear weird noises coming from another room in our house. Mary Jane (my Daughter) giggles like a 12 year old school girl at my expression. The noise was a strange sound and I had to have a silly look on my face. It was a recognizable one too and my mind jumps instantly to something my brother would say in this instance.

          "Violent, foaming butt piss!"

           You know the sound I am talking about. The bubble guts, the rumbling and gurgling inside your stomach. It sounded horrible and I knew right away after hearing the internal volcano about to erupt that I didn't want to really know, I just wanted to finish our yummy dinner without any issues.

          My bathroom threw up everywhere. I had shit on the ceiling, coming up out of every drain and leaking out into the hallway. I will tell you this, we all wrapped up dinner quick after that. What a way to ruin a great meal like sushi.

          About an hour later after going to Walmart to buy cleaning supplies, cleaning up the mess and deciding not to bother our 83 year old landlord till morning I head to bed for a nap before work.

           I sleep for a couple of hours and wake up running a little behind schedule, but I never run to far behind I just have to make up a little ground. I head to the shower to find that we had a instant replay of earlier. Shit was everywhere yet again. OMG!!!

           Feeling a little guilty, but not at all envious of my boyfriends evening activities I head to work. I have a long night at work and can't afford to be late tonight so I kiss everyone good night and leave them to the exact mess we just cleaned up only hours before.

           "I love you guys, see you in the morning, and try to have a great night."

Lol!!!!!!! =)

Alright not funny, but I couldn't resist.

 

Photoslide

Is it possible???

Only those who will risk going too far, can possibly find out how far one can go...

     I feel like I am always pushing and testing myself, trying to see how much I can handle at one time. I am not afraid of this world and I am pretty sure that I can survive whatever life dishes me.

    I have fallen before and I am willing to bet the bank that it will happen again, maybe a few more times before my expiration date. I started from scratch and built an empire, in fact a couple of times in my 31 years. 

   I will not, CANNOT stop striving for better or more for my Family. All I have left in this world are my two beautiful children and I will do whatever it takes to take care of them and try to give them a good life. They have all of my attention and I give them 210% every single day of my life. 

   Life is never easy... Whoever told you it was is full of shit and was most likely just fucking with your mind. Life is hard and challenging. Don't waste your time and energy on trying to predict it either because it will surprise you every time. It is forever changing.

   Life is going to happen regardless if you are ready for it to or not. It does not live by our watches, it will never be on our terms, but we can determine weather today will be a good day or a bad day by how we deal with what Life gives us.

   "I am a great believer in luck, and I find that the harder I work the more I have it."

   "The only place where success comes before work is in the Dictionary."

   "All of the so-called 'secrets of success' will not work unless you do."

Bad Habits

Procrastinator: I wait till the very last minute on everything. I always come through and I always get it done, but I am barely on time. I am not a good self motivator LOL!!!

Hard to wake up

 Very Moody 

                          

Holds onto everything/Not forgiving

 Blunt/Straight forward/Brutally honest

 Puts others needs ahead of my own

Territorial             

Strong minded and willed

Confronting Nature

  Smothering to kids and boy friend

 Easy to cut people out of my life

  Demands respects

 Sometimes to smart for my own good

I put everyone's needs and wants before my own, but in return I do expect a lot from those closest in my life. I am a thinker and therefore I am way over analogical and I tend to think things into the ground. I probably drive my family and friends crazy at times, but they love me...

ANGER!!!

“The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present.”

    I have anger issues and it is very hard for me to check it at the curb at times, which always ends me up in trouble. I have been trying to get to the root of my anger, but it is so sudden and out of no where that it has come and gone before I even realize it.
    Anger is the one emotion that we let rule us and it is also the one that causes the most internal damage. It is a hard ball to stop after it gets rolling and if it gets to much momentum there is no stopping it.
    Back in 2001 I got a dose of reality and found myself taking 9 months of Anger Management Classes after striking my husband in a heated argument. I never would have guessed that I could be a spouse abuser, and yet here I sat every Tuesday night from 5:30, right after work, till 7.
    I hated those classes and I didn’t think I really belonged there, but I gave up fighting against it at some point and decided to at least get my money’s worth out of the situation.

(Take a timeout:     Doesn’t normally work when you are in the middle of a heated argument. Emotions start flying, words get tossed back and forth, feelings get hurt and before to long you start saying things that you can’t take back.)

    **    I eventually learned that I have NO patience. I have no patience for ignorance, disrespect, laziness, stealing or lying. I lack in patience to the point that I would sometimes rather do it myself just so I know it was done the way I wanted it done. Other times I watch, test and hope that they see what I am doing and sooner or later do what needs to be done without me holding their hand through it.

(Think before you speak:     I will admit that I do not always think before I speak, but I promise you that I do not say things that I regret later. I don’t think we should take back what we say because we meant and felt what we said strongly and to take it back is like lying. You are lying to the other person to not hurt them and at the same time lying to yourself by not being true to yourself, what you feel or what you say.)

    **    This always makes people think of me and classify me in the bitch box. They hear what I say and if they don’t like what I am saying they blow me off. I am not the kind of person you can appease or push aside thinking that I will just go away. I am blunt, honest and very straight forward which people don’t know how to take me so instantly I am “A BITCH”.

(Try to find solutions:     Try to find a way to co-exist together. Compromise and find common grounds. If you both are willing to bend a little bit and meet in the middle most problems can be addressed and fixed in a timely manner and with minimal casualties.)

    **     I am a giver and always puts others needs in front of my own, so normally I do extra and before I know it everyone starts to expect it. I cannot see leaving the next person hanging, or without if I have it to give. I was taught growing up to treat people the way I wanted to be treated in return. I am honest, even if to a fault, but at least you know that I will say exactly what I think and I wont talk shit behind your back.

“Just because two people do not agree or see eye to eye does not mean there is a battle to be fought here.”


Lesson I learned: You have to except who you are, know who you are and love yourself before someone else can.      

Words of Wisdom!!!

We are always getting ready to live,

 but never living.

 

MY TATTOO'S

In memory of my Grandfather. I miss u

Small of my back: Weed smoking Fairy

Between my shoulder blades: Cancer sign

My Gargoyle, he is kind of fat so I call him my budda gargoyle.

Flipping you off Skeleton. My dog tags with my D.O.C #.

I have a few more, but I have to leave a little bit of Mystery in our relationship! LOL

Did You Know???

I work in a Restaurant during the graveyard shift. I deal with a lot of drunk people.

My favorite color is Green. I love green, but the one that gets my eye more is a lighter, brighter green. I also love the color Yellow.

I caught a 6 year D.O.C sentence for drug and gun charges. I served a little more then 2 years in a Corrections Facility "High Plains Woman's Facility in Brush, Colorado". I did 10 months in a halfway house. I finished serving my 3 years of Parole April of this year.

I think my kids and boyfriend think I am totally addicted to work.

I am a very picky and finicky eater. My body does not break down meats that well so I stay away from steaks and most meats. I do like boneless skinless chicken and I love Seafood. I would have to say my favorite type of food is Italian. I love me some Pasta, YUMMY!!!

I am a hard person to wake up. My Family fights over who's turn it is because I am a handful sometimes. I won't make excuses, but I don't get much sleep to begin with so when I do sleep I sleep hard.

I am a very strict parent. I have no patience for those kids screaming through the grocery stores. I have to stay on top of everything and run a very tight ship. On the other side of that coin I am very relaxed on other things that most parents aren't. I don't set bed time's for the kids for example. 

I am very athletic and love to workout. I try to stay active, this year has been a slow year. I love playing sports and joining softball leagues and volleyball games at the park. I love just about all sports or activities outside.

Welcome to my life =)

Meet the kids:

       My Daughter MJ. She is such a good kid, I am blessed. I have always said that God showed mercy on me because I was 19 years old and still just a kid myself. She turned 12 years old last July and started 6th grade this year. She is my first born and my best friend.

     My son Joseph. He is about to be 3 years old in December and my miracle baby. I was blessed almost 5 years after I had a tubal pregnancy and only had a 30% chance of ever having kids again. He is such a loving child and very well mannered.

    My other kids!!!

Hooka--

Her brother Google--   

 Dexter (He thinks he is a cat)--

Our Home--   

    

       

Where do I sit today???

            I am fresh off of Parole and almost seven years of sobriety behind me. Ok OK OK! I smoke pot, but I have to say if that is my only vice then I am doing pretty F***ing good. I had hit a bump during Parole and I lost a little time because of it, but after 6 years of being Colorado State Property April 24th of this year I was cut free. Inmate # 132157 Retired at last.
    9 months ago I found myself in a brand new relationship again after a while of being alone. I had just perfected my routine and was juggling the whole ‘Single Mom’ thing exceptionally well. Now we live together and get to see if we can stand the test of time. We are both getting old and are very tired of looking for the one. We have both approached this relationship like adults and try to handle situations as mature as we can. Growing and learning from my past relationships that failed I try to communicate and think before I speak.
    2 months ago I quit 2 out of my 3 jobs in hopes of getting more time with my children. I was burning the candle at both ends and I needed me time to be a mom and also just to be Jen. I still bust my ass and work as much as possible. I never tell my work ‘NO’ and I always stay late and come in early.
    I have 2 kids with 2 men whom are always making my life a little more interesting, stressful, complicated, confusing and lively I guess.  I get no assistance from the state or from my ex’s.
    My Grandparents raised me my entire life and as of August of last year they are both passed on. Besides the ones living in my house I have no family. I am completely alone. I have no one to ask for help or to care about me like your parents do. It has been a long road excepting them being gone. I miss them so much and think about them constantly. 
    I was born and raised in Las Vegas, Nevada off of Nellis and Vegas Valley. I lived in Vegas and only Vegas till I turned 22 years old. I am a city girl thru and thru and miss Home almost as much as I miss my Grandparents. I am currently living in a screwed up little town in Colorado. I feel trapped here and reality is not that way at all.
    I have tried just about every drug and sold the ones I didn’t like to use. I hate pills and wont take them for a headache let alone to get a high off of. I have major anxieties and love peace and calm. I don’t do loud noise or chaos going on around me, so I hate meth. I was married for almost 9 years to a alcoholic and use to tell him that he drank enough for the both of us. Don’t get me wrong I like a drink from time to time with dinner, but I don’t do the whole bar scene or stumbling drunk act. I like my weed. I love to sleep and relax. It keeps me evened out and focused.
    My Daughter:              Mary Jane Rose born on my 19th birthday
    My Son:                       Joseph Alias born almost 3 years ago
    Family Dog:                Dexter, 1 year old Pit
    Family Cats:                Brother and Sister
                                         Female-- Hooka
                                         Male-- Google
               I have been working on this book off and on for nearly 10 years. I am so excited to be able to share it with the world finally. I want to learn from all of this to be better. I want to do this forever. Writing is not only a love of mine, it is a passion.

Inside the Core

In the end, it's not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away

1) My Kids being born.
2) The Death of my Grandparents.
3) Getting Married.
4) Life and People.
 

Always put yourself in the others shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the person too.

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

 I am always honest and very blunt. I don't do it to hurt or look down on, I would just rather it come from me not someone else. Plus I figure to be straight up and forward with someone is all I would ask for in return.

Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt and dance like no one is watching.

 

No Assistance

            I am realizing that if you are a hard working parent and actually try to do what is right by your family and also by society then in the end you get shitted on. I am a prideful person who works hard to provide for my children. I get up and go to work every day and work extra as much as possible. I never call in sick to work or come up with reasons to take the day off. While I am at work I try to be the best employee and do the job I am being paying to do the best I can. I figure without my job I can not raise and support my children and so to lose that means I lose my children.
            About 4 months ago while I was working 2 jobs and barely keeping my head above water I went and applied for food stamps. I picked up the application and started the process. Taking my breath away and sending me into shock was printed right on the first page that you did not have to be an American Citizen to get Assistance. Anyways I get approved and am now able to keep food stocked in my house while I bust my ass working 2 and 3 jobs to pay the rest of the bills and put clothes on my kids backs.
             Now remember this is 4 months ago. Now I have worked my way up and replaced my 3 jobs with one really good job. I picked myself up off the ground, dusted myself off and started from scratch to build a life for my Family. Well this month like what has become normal lately I check my food stamps card, except this time there is nothing on it. I have been cut off because I made somewhere from $200 to maybe $350 more then allowed so I am cut off.
              Don't get me wrong I do make a little more and am a little more better off, but I am still playing catch up from before and I bust my ass only asking for a little groceries in return. I am not like most single mothers who live off the state and manipulate the system. I do not get any child support for my children. I do not live in section 8 housing or Assisted living homes. I do not get any support for my children. I guess it just gets to me that those of us who chose to be lazy and take advantage of the system get whatever they want and others like me who are capable of working hard taking care of ourselves some how get the short end of the stick. I need a little more incentive these days to bust my ass and get so little in return. Just the thought of the day. Maybe now my brain will file it and let me get back to writing my book.

Who raised this insane person?

       My parents were both losers and so there for my fathers parents raised me since I was one years old. They took over full custody of me when I was three years old. They were married fifty-two years before my Grandfather passed away, which was May of 2009. Now that I am thirty-one years old I see so much of them in me. I was raised very old fashioned and without a whole lot of restrictions. Their rules were simple, “Get good grades and do whatever you want within reason.”
    My Grandparents were my world and I miss them very much. They were such awesome people and everyone who met them fell in love with them instantly. They were loving, caring, understanding, open minded, honest, helpful, strict, teaching, respectful, hardworking, soft spoken, giving people, and I was very lucky to have been raised and taught to be like them. When I went to prison I had to take drug treatment and during my involvement with the class I wrote a letter to my Grandparents. It is a sad and soulful letter that I decided to use in my book. Check out Mysteries of my Mind to read it. I have two half chapters in my book dedicated to them. They lived interesting lives and produced a person such as myself who is currently living her interesting life =)                    I have a Tattoo on my Right
                                                                                                   calf dedicated to my                  
                                                                                                     Grandfather of Toy Soldier in the 
                                                                                                   shape of a star. I miss them so much...                          

9/15/2011 3:30 a.m.

Night time is really the best time to work.  All the ideas are there to be yours because everyone else is asleep.

    So last night while I was at work a fire started right in the middle of town. I work in a central hub in the community I live in. I work at a little breakfast joint in the middle of our town. We are one of the few places open around the clock, and when I say a few I mean like 2. 

      Anyways off topic. I was standing outside smoking a cigarette with my cook during our dead time when he drew my attention to the red cloud of smoke not to far from where we were. It was after the bar rush that we get so it was around 3:30 am while the rest of our little town is sleeping that White Hall, a old church that is right next store to our courthouse caught on fire, bursting into flames almost instantly.
       One of my regular customers took off to investigate and sent me a couple of pictures of her standing right across the street at the same time the fire fighters where closing off the roads and trying their hardest to put out the fire before it overtook this house of God leaving behind nothing but ashes.

      I am still amazed at what the rest of the world misses while they are safe in their beds. I love working the graveyard shifts. I love being wide awake and able to see what I see at night. It was awesome to know before everyone else in this town, and it felt good to have witnessed something that would have been ignored normally to the dark.

The day has eyes; the night has ears. 

Why Am I Doing This Blog?

    I want to write this book so bad, but it seems that I am having some troubles. I keep getting writer’s block or I hit a duh moment and I get lost. I have 80% of my layout done and I have over half of it written so far.

    I have always wanted to be a writer, ever since I was very young as far back as I can remember I have jotted down stories or characters for stories. I had the most fun building a character and laying out that persons role in the book, it fun and exciting. As I got a little older I turned my love for writing into a passion for writing and a love for movies and books. I am a huge movie buff and I am not a television type of person. I hardly watch t.v and it is never on in my house unless we are watching a movie. I love to read and when they combine the two loves of my life I am hooked and ready for you to real in.

    When you were between the ages of five and twelve years old and people asked you what you want to be when you grew up I remember answers like I want to go to the moon or I want to be a ballerina. Well when I was young I wanted to write the best book ever and hopefully be the starring role in the movie when they decided to make it one. God I remember to be so young and naive, we didn’t care we thought we could grow up and change the world.

    Now I am 31 years old and my life is a hectic mess. I want to finish this book and see where it takes me, but I have no time ever. I am a single mother of two children. A girl 12 years old and my boy who will turn 3 this December. Dad still helps but we do things on our own, he pays half bill wise for kids, but no child support or anything. Since I don’t collect child support and we refuse to let the courts into our lives and tell us how our children need to be raised, I am punished everyday by the state. I can not seek any help for my children and myself because I do not have a custody order. Here is the kicker, ready? I have to work 2 sometimes 3 jobs to support us and in return I make to much to claim food stamps.

    I have made some bad choices in my life and have done things that I cannot change, but I am a good person and I work hard for what I have. I had to stand up dust myself off and start from scratch last year. I busted my ass and accomplished so much this last year that now I am focused and determined to finish my book. If I can overcome and face what I had to face this year I am stronger then I think. I now have a great job that pay’s me way more then the two I quite for this one, which means I am at home more with my kids and I have gotten some extra time to write. I have a beautiful house and huge yard for my kids and our family dog Dexter.

    This New Blog that I have started is all about me. My life. What I am going through while finishing my first book. These are my emotions, a look inside the real me. I am looking for feedback as much as I can get. I am looking for advice sometimes. I am looking for like minded people to converse with. My other Blog is bits in pieces from the book I am working on right now and I am interested in any feedback or comments that anyone would like to share with me to help me grow as a writer. Please help me Fellow Bloggers. I promise this will be a interesting adventure I will take you on. I have lots of things going on inside my head and to many emotions to sort through. I have lived a very unexpected life so far, lets see what the next five years have in store for me. Can’t be any worse then going to prison right!!!!