Thank You Letters :)

Now It's My Turn: Thank You Letters :): Thank You Shoes,               Even though I walk all over you everyday, I scuff and drop stuff on you all the time and even though e...

Do You Need To Laugh

Some of the best jokes I read are off of this blog.... I Hope You Enjoy miteshasher.blogspot.com

Life is a Blessing, be thankful you're Alive

There is always something to be thankful for, but sometimes its hard to see that. When I went to prison I definitely didn't see how or what I could be thankful for. I rebelled and acted out, I was angry and took it out on everyone around me, and I was fighting every chance I got against the system. I found myself asking questions like: "How come I got the Go Straight To Jail card?" "What did I really do to deserve this punishment?" "How come me, I wasn't that bad?" "How can I ever overcome all of this?". I wandered around lost for so many years and then I had found myself inside a correctional facility. I say 'I found myself inside' because I truly did, I found out who I was all along and the strength to overcome everything and anything. I was thankful after all because I could have ended up dead if I had stayed free and on the streets doing what I was doing, but instead I was here alive and safe. 
I am okay with the fact that I went to prison and had to lose everything to grow as a person. I have excepted that I would have been another statistic bouncing through the court system and eventually going to prison in the end anyways, but instead for whatever reason my judge that day just bypassed all the bullshit and sent me away, ripping me from my life and my child. 
I am one of the few who chose to do something and learn from the circumstances. I served two years and nine months inside the correctional facility, ten months in a halfway house and three years of parole with only one hiccup, all while getting full custody of my eight year old back, having a new baby boy and losing both my parents, but I did it and I am proud of that accomplishment in my life. 
There is always something to be thankful for, but sometimes its hard to see that. After truly losing everything and starting over from scratch I had gained the confidence and strength to do whatever needs to be done in my life for me and my Family. I packed up my Family and moved back home after ten years away and was not scared to start over because I now know that I am capable of anything. I feel my Grandparents watching over me from heaven and keeping me safe, I also know that they are very proud of the woman I have become. Where I have been, what I have seen, choices I have made, and things I have done all make up the person I am today and I wouldn't change anything ever. 
"There is always something to be thankful for, ALWAYS!"brainyquote.comwww.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/thankfulthankfulfor.com

Who I Am

I tried the best I could considering the situation, and besides I am only human. I moved to this town five years ago a lost soul looking for the place I could fit in and blend slipping under the radar, but like Grandma use to tell me, "You will always find like minded people, you just need to except who you are and your role in the world". 

I kept to myself for a long time and worked around making my life quiet and simple. I just wanted to blend in and stay hidden in the shadows, but you can only live like that for so long before you draw attention to yourself and others get curious. I moved out to the middle of nowhere to be left alone, but a great thing never lasts for long because you start to listen and learn about others around you, then you start to give a fuck and that's when it all falls apart. 

I was doing awesome when it was just me, myself and I, but then I let a couple of people inside my head. I started to feel for the cook at work who was at least fifteen years older then me with  a young child. It started out with him losing his truck and having to get himself to work and seven year old daughter to school everyday. He did it like a soldier for three months before I decided to give him my 1991 Nissan Altima for free leaving me with a scooter to get around town on. 

Next was the little homeless girl that came into the restaurant I worked at every morning around four and ordering a cup of coffee to keep her out of the cold for a few hours. She was quiet and never made a fuss, she was my easiest customer of the night. Her name was Nicole and I hooked her up with coffee or whatever from time to time to easy her pain just a little. 

I found myself friends with the biggest drug dealer of town and felt bad for him and all he lived with everyday. We would talk for hours on end about our childhood and how we dreamed of better things to come, but they always fell short for us for some reason. We both had short comings in life and things we wish we could change, we both also chased the answers we were searching all our lives. We became close friends and business partners till prison separated us for a while. 

I did a full circle for a short time after prison finding myself friends with guards and therapist who helped me see how my past affected my present, but never telling me the answers to my future. I lived a straight life for many years before realizing that there really is no answers to the meaning of life and that I should just do what I want to do till death finds me.

You know I thought I was living wrong and doing wrong to end up in prison, but then I realized that life isn't black and white. Life has grey areas and that just happens to be the place I live my life. I cannot be totally good or bad. I am me and I am human, I feel what everyone in the world feels, I just don't always agree with what we have been taught.

Now I live in the shadows trying to never let anyone see the real me. I keep quiet and my head down. I listen and watch so I can learn, but somehow I let to many in this time and I have to fix my mistakes.

I have been clean and sober for going on six years, but yet I am still six months away from my freedom. I have six more months of jumping through the hoops the system makes you go through before they release you from parole. Being on parole has changed me from the person I was and who I am today. Before parole I was a regular pothead who stayed away from most everything else only dabbling from time to time in the unknown, but now I am a total alcoholic and occasional fuck up. 

In my younger years I experimented with plenty, but not enough to make me an expert in nothing really. I dropped acid back in the day, did my stint with Meth and still till today swallow a couple of caps or stems from time to time, but I keep my nose clean. I say this now with head held high and a slight quiver in my throat, "I am scared of the police". now lets get one thing straight fuck the police (kind of) I get the big picture but where there is good there is also evil hiding in the shadows, right. 

How do you judge another human for being human? A cop who is addicted, a sober ex-con and a homeless girl. A rich boss and society all against you from the beginning and a stage to take a nose dive. What do you do?

My laugh is all mine

        Do you know what is unique about us? I get made fun of all the time because of my laugh. In fact sometimes I catch it myself. I have thought over and over again about my laugh. It's kind of funny sounding and people have made fun of my laugh before. I use to care and get self conscience about it, but now that I'm 32 years old I don't give a fuck anymore. I love my laugh, because it is different from everyone else's and because it make me unique. Laugh every chance you get and let it be heard.

Internet Dating

    Right after my sons first birthday things went wrong with me and his Father. We split up shortly after and I thought my life was over. I was approaching thirty and found myself single. I was a single mother of two children who worked two jobs to keep our heads above water. I stayed single and was happy with that for a while, but when the day came that I was ready to start dating again I was lost. I didn’t know where to start or how to meet men.
    I worked two jobs and raising two kids on top of that consumed most of my time, besides where are you suppose to meet the right man???
    Church, well the best days to work for a waitress are the weekends so I never found myself inside a church. They say you meet your spouse at work and since I worked at a Truck Stop I didn’t have much luck there either. You can meet someone through your friends and well since my friends are not the best match makers I stayed away from asking them for help. I was closing in on my thirties and with two kids I had to be smart, which meant not bringing guys home from the clubs or random strangers. I had to be careful who I introduced to my children and that closed lots of doors for me.
    After being single and finding myself lonely for attention from the opposite sex I started listening to others and how they were meeting people. I had a couple of friends who were searching the internet for companionship and so I decided to give it a try.
    If you get online and google search Dating you would be amazed at how many results pop up, 738,000,000 to be exact. There are tips on how to get a date, tips on how to keep a man interested and also dating wed sites. Most of the dating web sites give you a month free and so I started to investigate.
    I remember starting on Zoosk a famous dating site, but without paying a monthly fee you are limited on what you can do so I looked at more. There are tons of web sites devoted to finding you your soulmate. I made my rounds from Match.com to eHarmony.com and was not willing to pay to find a date. I finally found Plenty of Fish and was pleased to see no monthly fee required so I made a profile and started searching the web for a mate.
    The more I was online searching for a date I realized that most of the people on these sites where only out for fun and sex, they weren’t serious about long term. I stayed with it and made boundaries that I refused to cross. The longer I was on this site I started to get requests from other sites like Facebook of Sex and Bang You Later, which just proved my theory even more. The internet was full of Fuck sites not Dating sites.
    I stayed with Plenty of Fish for about six months meeting tons of people who wanted a good time but not much more then that. I eventually met a man who was everything I wanted and with time became the true love story that most of the dating sites brag about.
    My kids love him and we have been living together for two years now. I love him and am glad to have found him among all the people online.
    I still think that if you are not careful you can get caught up in the sex and party side of these sites, but if you make boundaries and stick to them you may find your soulmate. I did and I am very lucky to have found my happiness.

Not Old Yet, I'm Still Kicking

I just celebrated my 32nd birthday earlier this month. Where have the years gone to? I still remember being a kid with no worries except my grades in school. I think back to the days when I was young and wild and we'd laugh about how 30 was old.
Now I truly do not believe I have earned the label of old yet. Maybe as we get older ourselves our perception of age changes because I think 40 is still pretty young. I mean come on, how often do you hear about the 40 year old that just suddenly died. When it does happen we are a little shocked and worried.
I feel like I am getting older, but I have a lot to learn still. I have experienced many different things in my 32 years and I am still hear to tell the story so I'm doing something right. Things have changed like keeping up with my 3 year old now is different then when my daughter was 3 and I find that my taste buds are changing as I get older. I am lucky to report that I have not found a single gray hair yet and I have most of my teeth still.
Really the only things that have changed are my perceptions and ideas about life. I have lived and loved an learned from past husbands or relationships that I have finally found my soulmate and live a great life with him and our Family. I am the proud mother of a teenage daughter and a three and a half year old son. I love my job and I appreciate having it. I just live life and try to keep up with my children.
But I guess I answered my own question about why I am feeling this way lately and now I know I am not old. I am growing and learning. I am raising two beautiful, smart children. Shit I can't b old yet I can still out run my teenager in a 100 yard dash lol.

Two idiots sharing my life through my children

The definition of insane is to keep doing the same thing over and over again hoping to achieve different results...

But when is enough enough?

How many times to you go back to a cheater? How many times do you have to fuck up before you give up or try it a different way? When do you realize that things won't ever change unless you do?

I try to be understanding and supportive, but I can only look the other way so long before I have to do something. If I cannot depend on you to be an adult then I have to step it up myself to make up where you are lacking.
I sit through the lies and filter through the excuses, but in the end all you are doing is disrespecting me. It's always the same story and the ending is always someone else's fault or doing.
I am accused of being in your business and causing drama, when reality is its all your own drama. I will stay out of it when it stops affecting my life and Family. I am only in your BS because of my concern for the children, which you have shown none for what this does to them.

People truly kill me these days. It's easier to blame others and come up with excuses then to be honest with yourself. Life is not easy, but you can make it easier if you are honest and not ashamed to mess up from time to time. Maybe one day you'll get it right and maybe finally realize that I was never working against you, but working with you every step of the way.

Reading into people part one

I have always thought of myself as a good people reader. See, I believe that to be good with people you have to be able to read them. Let's start at the beginning:

I hate the human race for the most part. Okay, not totally, what I mean is that I am not a social butterfly. I do alright with people in small doses lol. I am a mother of two children who works a career as a waitress, but I surround my personal life with very few. My contacts list in my phone is not lacking in the numbers category, but I don't see all these people daily or monthly, sometimes not at all in years. My FaceBook is popping. I describe myself as a hermit (a home body) and for the most part enjoy my home and Family way more then others.

People, meaning all of us myself included, are so complicated. Everything we say and do is compared to how we do it and what we say, then divided by our body language and tone, plus eye contact and nervous ticks we finally get half what the other person really wants from us. Without even knowing it our body language or timing of when we say something is judged and picked apart as we are saying it.

Human beings have many sides, but lucky for us we all do and we are not all on the same page at one time. We have all done good and bad in our lives. We have all made great decisions and horrible choices in our lives. We all get mad and yell. We smile when we are happy. We sing in the privacy of our cars. We cry when we hurt. We bleed the same color.

24 HOURS

9 am: wake up and drive to Rebel for coffees.

9:40 am: drive James to work and then go back home.

10:45 am: feed my kids breakfast and lay around watching cartoons.

Noon: exercise and play some
Dance Central with kids.

1 pm: get in the shower and start getting ready for work.

2:20 pm: drive my ass across town to work.

2:40 pm: sit in the parking lot at work and check my email and FB.

3 pm: clock into work.

8:30 pm: clock off work and head to James work and pick him up.

9:15 pm: walk in the house and make dinner for the Family.

Watch television and hang out talking and eating.

1-2 am: Lay naked in bed watching American Dad and playing on iPad before bed.

Sad thing is, that's every day that I work.... But I love it and it's just simple me and my Family.
Don't get me wrong my days off are another story... Party time then :)

Just trying to feed our pet

        We live in Sin City, were gambling and prostitutes are among the norm. Twenty Four hours a day, every day of the year this town is popping, it never closes it’s doors. A place where you can walk down the street with a drink in your hand, a place where it is easy to blend in among the crowds.

Sin City

 

 

 

 

       I have a snake that we feed live rats and I spent about two days looking for food for my son’s pet. I never would have thought that it would be so hard, especially in this City. I called and walked into all the pet stores within 5 miles of my house and was blown away by the reactions I got. Some gave me dirty looks while others mumbled under their breathe how horrible I was.

       Finally my boyfriend found a Exotic pet store that sold live feeder rats. We drive all the way across town to purchase food for my Snake, which proved to be a waste of time. We get there and we are shocked to see not only how expensive they are, but also how small they are. Sin (our snake) is about 4 feet long and eats big rats like tic tac’s. We buy 2 because they are so small.

        We get home ready to feed our starving snake and she looks at us like “REALLY”. She eats 1 with no problems, but then refuses to gobble up the other one. We figure she is either really picky or the second rat was infected, either way we spent money on food that she wont eat. She has something in her belly so I don’t worry to much, but I need a breeder who specifically breeds feeder rats because she thinks that pet shop was a joke.

Facebook post today: How I was Feeling

I look in the mirror I am 31 and the years start to show. I see my Grandfather so much in my features and my soul. Maybe it's the blond hair and the pale complexion I see, or maybe it's his words I hear when I open my mouth that make me feel like I take all my genes from my Kratzer side. When I look at pictures of myself I see my Mother's face looking back at me. It's weird how 2 people make you - You are your own and completely unique in your own ways - and yet you can still see both people within this one person. I am beautiful.

Still and always room to learn and grow

I am smart,

but I don't know everything.

I am strong,

but I show moments of weakness.

I am brave,

but I am still scared at times.

I am at peace,

but yet still wild at heart.

No matter what,

I still strive for more and better.

I know, I know, What was I thinking Right!!!!

          I got pregnant when I was 18 years old and for almost the entire 9 months I prayed and hoped for a son. I had the name set in stone if I was having a boy, but not a single one for a girl and I had no idea what I was expecting. It was probably a week before my first born child was to arrive and I sat down with a gut feeling it was a girl so it was crunch time and I had to figure out a name. It is sort of frowned upon to not name your child in our society, besides what would we call the child, maybe just giving it a number would work lol. Alright anyways I thought and thought and then thought some more, but every name I came up with was easily scratched from the list. Either it was a name of someone I hated or had a bad rap sheet. Some names where just not pretty enough for me, while others were not original. Some names I picked I just couldn't hear myself yelling it out in public. So after much thought and consideration I named my daughter Mary Jane Rose (BLEEP)... It's still great 12 years later to see peoples reactions to her name.

Random Thoughts: How often we bathe in Urine

How many of you pee in the shower?

I have done it. You know you have too.

People lie, hide and would rather take it to the grave, then admit that they love the warmth as the pee flows down their bare legs in the shower.

We are told and think that pee is yucky and gross.

Facts:

The smell of Ammonia is caused by Dehydration.

The foul smell means bladder infection.

Cats urine glows under a black light.

6.3 cups of urine is the average daily amount produced by an adult.

Giving birth and having sex affects the width of a woman's stream, which is already wider then a mans.

Oh well anyways I was at a 3 year olds birthday party last weekend and...

How many people urinated in that pool that day?

You know that bald guy did lol!!!

Sorry just random thoughts I was experiencing my last trip to the pool.

All facts used were off of a funny site I often visit for a good laugh or to learn a new interesting fact on something odd.

www.thefactsite.com

 

Verbatim: It's Fun To Make Stuff

Verbatim: It's Fun To Make Stuff

Happy New Years

          

 

                 I have a lot to be Thankful for this year. I have awesome friends, a great loving boyfriend, the best kids ever and even tho I have come very far this year I am totally ready for it to end and start a new life and beginning in 2012. This was the year I finished parole. This year was full of up's and down's, right's and wrong's, but I learned so much this year. I learned I am getting older and time is getting shorter. I need to do something with my life and for my children. Good Bye 2011 I will never forget you!!!

 

2012 is going to rock. Going home to Vegas feels so right and I know we are going to do so awesome. Our new life will be hard but it will be a great change that my whole family needs.

 

 

I Promise

                I love you Baby with all my heart and soul. I know in my heart, in my mind and in my gut that you are my soul mate. Not everyone finds theirs and I know that what I feel for you and what we have is true. We are Soul mates. We were meant to meet and fall in love. I don't want to live a life without you in it. You mean everything to me and I love the wonderful person I see. You are why I work so hard. You are why I want so much more out of my life. You are what my children love and who they want to share our lives with. You are brilliant, sexy, funny, a total nerd, a realist, a romantic, a great lover, a teacher and my best friend. I LOVE YOU... I promise this will work because I am dedicated to us and our Family.

To weak still

When it doesn't hurt so much I will walk away. All the signs are there and he has made it perfectly clear with his actions that he is not in love with me anymore. I will tomorrow is a new day. I get a lil stronger everyday. I just miss us.

I love you still...

 

I thought everyone deserves a second chance, I guess everyone except me.

The tears keep pouring.

I am so hurt and all I want is my Family, my Life back and better. 

Why can't we fix this or at least try??? Why does it have to be this way? Why do I keep doing things to reach out to you and getting shitted on?  I call and no response. I keep holding on and you keep pushing away.

I know I should just leave him a lone and forget about all of this by moving on with my life, but I love him so much. I want to try. I want to have my Family back.... OMG THIS HURTS SO BAD. I pray to GOD every night to help me, to lighten his heart and listen to me. WHY!!!! Every time I look at my computer I think of him. Every where I turn inside our house I think of him. I hate this so much. I AM SOOOOO SORRY. PLEASE PLEASE. You loved me you said.

 

 

Please lets give it a second chance. No one knows the truth like we do and we want to spend our lives together. We are very strong and we can make it through this if we really want to. Today is a new day.